Sometimes I think about what last call maybe like. I often wonder what it’s like when you take that last breath. I think about how the soul just flies off to a new life. When I catch myself I realize that it’s mortality knocking to let me know that I must always remember how I live. I hate the idea that I don’t know what to expect. There is no guaranteed entry into a fluffy cloud kingdom and no proof of an underground sauna. I question if I am living right and if that peace we all desperately want will be with me. Mortality knocks and she knocks loudly. When I see myself in the mirror I wonder will I be myself, or will I be myself at a point in time where my life was at its best. I then go on to wonder what if me and Lady Mortality sat down for some coffee what would happen. What questions would I ask Lady Mortality? I think I would ask if i’m walking the right way. I would ask mortality many things but more importantly to please knock softly and only three times.
Sometimes I like to sit back and wonder and sometimes I lean forward and continue to wonder. I wait and wait and then wait some more. Answers seem to elude me and the question is simple. Life is fickle and sometimes impossible to understand but I keep trying. People come in and they leave and the big deals you want just sort of get away without notice. So why exactly do we continue to care? Why do we fight on? Every damn time this life just seems so very clouded and unreal.
There are the little moments though like splashing water in the beach or skipping stones across a small creek. There is that wonderful smile of a loved one or that quick achievement that stays ingrained in everyone’s long term memory. I still lean forward and wonder and then I wonder some more.
Eventually I see myself sitting in a celestial chair that’s caressed by the colors in the cosmic palette. Stars fly around me and everything aligns and falls out of alignment with sensational precision. I look around and wait for an answer to my question. Why is life such a fickle proposition? I will never get it, not even if I lived a million years. The universe and its order are a mystery, so is life, everything is fickle. Our job is to adapt and change with the order of things, not really to spend a lifetime questioning them.
Life can be so unpredictable sometimes. It’s like you are in a field and you have this perfect plan to make things go your way. All of a sudden the place that you are standing on turns into quick sand and you slowly watch yourself drown. Every little thing you think of just kind of serves as weight on your mind. All of this weight makes you heavier and helps you descend faster. Ultimately you have the option to close your eyes and open them in a split second or drown. When you open them in a split second things change and you can grab a rope and come back up. If your eyes stay closed you find yourself paralyzed. Your plan goes up in smoke or it simply drowns with you.
I prefer to adjust and adapt because when I do adapt and I do adjust I can combat that feeling of drowning. I have seen myself near the abyss multiple times and I rather enjoy the idea of staying away from it. The view to the top where there is no end is much better looking down to a place with no real end. Quicksand is there and it will force your will one way or another but what you do is what determines if the quicksand is your ultimate hinderance or your ultimate impetus.
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